A Different kind of loss – The Silent Heartbreak of sibling bereavement

“Time heals”

“It will get better”

“You must be strong”

All statements that are often heard when we lose a loved one.  In some ways, yes, we will grow around our grief and things will not feel as raw, but these platitudes can feel very difficult to bear in the immediate throes of grief. 

There are also many different types of loss, and this will impact upon how we cope.  There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, and definitely no time limits.  In this blog I will be looking at sibling bereavement, which is sometimes overlooked as to the significance and power of feelings experienced.   When we think about grief, we often think about the loss of parents, partners or children.  Sibling bereavement can be overlooked or misunderstood, although can be just as immense and life changing.  Siblings have a unique bond and share so much; they are the people we grow up with, fight with and share holidays with.  They see our best and worst, and losing the presence of a sibling can feel like losing a piece of your identity.  Whatever your relationship, your sibling was always there. 

It can be difficult as the sibling suffering the loss, as it is not always acknowledged or given the same weight as other types of loss.  You may hear other losses given priority by others, and this may make a sibling feel like their grief does not count in the same way.  But it does count, it carries its own weight and deserves just as much recognition.  There are also many common experiences shared by those who have lost a sibling.  They may feel shock and disbelief, particularly if the death was sudden, they may feel guilt over any unresolved issues, anger and loneliness and also identity confusion.  This can be especially true if the sibling was a twin, however it is also a common part of the grieving process for all siblings; where do I fit into the family now?  What is my place, what are my new responsibilities, particularly if they are now the sole child in a family?

Navigating the grief can be hard, but here are some ideas that may help.   Acknowledge your grief and give yourself permission to mourn, your grief is valid.  It can also help to talk about the sibling you have lost; share stories and keep their memory alive.  Creating memorials such as planting a tree or plant, celebrating significant dates or events or creating a memory box filled with items that remind you of your loved one and those special memories can all help and give your grief a place to go.  Seeking support from friends, support groups or a therapist can help you share your loss with someone who understands and helps you to feel that you are not alone in your grief. 

It is also important to acknowledge that grief is not a linear process; you may have good days and difficult days and this is totally normal.  In time, you will grow alongside your grief and learn to carry it differently.  Losing a sibling can feel like losing a part of your history and a part of your future at the same time, and its ok to still feel the ache years later. 

If you are supporting someone who has lost a sibling, offer consistent support not just in the days immediately after.  Ask about their sibling, talk about them and share memories.  Listen and don’t compare losses, be there for them and be kind. 

 Written by Fiona